come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
