I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
