i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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