So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
