when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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