Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
