So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Randomize
