well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
