I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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