I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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