I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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