i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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