captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
