I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Randomize
