On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Randomize
