I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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