rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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