watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
