so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
