I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
