i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
