I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
