question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
