Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
