He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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