this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
