Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
