the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My life is pants optional.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
