those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
