I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
