she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
