Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
