So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Randomize
