My first STD was from a foam party
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
