the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
