I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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