we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
