she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
