my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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