Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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