He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
