I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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