Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
