eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
