There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
