i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
