forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
The Olympian is in my bed
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
