I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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