fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
i've created a new STD.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
