You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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